Do you ever find yourself blurting out TMI? Yes? Its the glassy-eyed look in the hearer that alerts me that I’ve said too much.
The truth is: People just are not equipped to hear truth and hard things about our journey.
I’ve been drawn to the practice of the Buddhist monks who have lived in Chinese prisons for 10+ years. Their greatest concern was that they would lose their compassion for their captors. These, of course, are the men and women of great inner resolve and who become humble teachers. They do not speak ill of those who tormented them. They do not speak of it.
This is what I’d like to be like. I’d like to not speak ill of someone who has hurt me. I’d like to not need to tell a little snippet, maybe alluding to something, in order to gain interest to tell more. That is slander and it is harmful.
I have started to pay attention to the moments when I am tempted (and oh goodness is it a temptation) to do a smear campaign against someone in order to be seen and heard. Its victimization calling. I pay attention to this because it means that there is a tender weak area in my inner experience, that needs me to take care of it. Otherwise, I would not be tempted to hurt another person by telling a story, however true. I would not be tempted to cop the pose of victim to gain pity or compassion or for someone to say “Wow, you’ve been through a lot.”
I want to have strong inner resolve, like the Buddhist monks, to hold a concern that I might lose my compassion for anyone who has hurt me. They will not speak ill of their captors. I strive to not speak ill of my past.
This is hard work.
Forgive me, if I have spoken ill of you. I meant to, knowing I’d chip away a tiny bit like you chipped away at me. The place of this truth is childish and immature. I know this is not maturity, but it is human. And I am sorry. Forgive me.
When I am able to catch that little wounded critter inside of me, before she speaks through my mouth, I am able to deep breathe her into safety. It is enough that I know my stories. It is enough that truth is real and lived within me. I don’t need to have that truth validated externally. in a way that hurts another person. Nor do I need to pretend all is well. It is enough to acknowledge a difficult time. Like saying “There were hard things in my childhood that I’ve faced and grown from.” or “The job was not a good match for where I am in life.” or “I am in a better place now.”
Very close friends, who know the value of confidentiality are priceless. Spiritual Directors and therapists are also priceless in what they offer. Not their wisdom. Their listening. To you. These are appropriate places to speak your grievances, hurts, pitifulness out loud. Give the little vulnerable critter inside a voice and time. Its like speaking into a vault, into a canyon, into a forest. The void, the vast, the dense will hear and hold. No further hurt will take place.
I am grateful for the forgiveness and understanding that has come my way when I’ve TMI’d about someone. I don’t wish to hurt anyone. This is the growth.
With love and zero judgment to you, and to me,
Amy