Oh how we want to hide from the world.
You can be a teacher, a preacher, a counselor, a coach, a leader, a boss, a CEO. People look to you day in and day out to know what they are to do. People trust that you are going to come through.
At the same time, we are wracked with the stories we carry within. Some are super painful that we have given a ton of energy to keep shoved down into the darkest corners, like the little hole in the drywall at the back of the closet, where if we stuff just right, it goes into that hidden space inside the actual wall. Never to be found.
And this eats at us.
Fraud Syndrome. I’ve written about this before. Skimming the surface of something very real. Experts have written the books so I don’t have to. But I do get to work with you on your sense of fiction/fraud/falsehood.
But why on earth would we consider ourselves a fake?
We are very real. All of it.
the expertise
the confidence
the growth
the power
the wound
the secrets
the hiding
the frailty
This is a strong, all out invitation to you. Come and tell your secrets. My studio is a confidential place. That means I tell no one, unless I sense you may harm yourself or another. There is nothing you can say that will shock me. That will send me running. That will make me cancel your next appointment. Nothing. I have heard so so much. I have lived some of it. I have worked on my own shit, going for the bottom of the pile and not just skimming the top to feel better in the moment.
Let’s look at that last statement again. We can all work on our shite by going for the bottom of the pile until we’ve cleared it all. I’m a farm girl who has cleaned many a hog or cow stall. Even that ankle deep crap can come clean from the cement. If I take just part of it off, I still have a dirty, stinky stall. So the shovel scrapes through to that satisfying sound of cement. Shovel, pitch. Shovel, pitch. Clean.
David R. Hawkins, psychiatrist, writes about how when we suppress or repress emotions and wounding stories, we are not getting rid of them. Just because its not on our surface doesn’t mean it isn’t still within us. And if it is still within us, it is still harming us. When we express and emotion or tell a bit of the story, it is a removal of a layer. We feel good enough to think “Oh good, that is that.” and think its over. But we’ve just shoved it back to the crevice in the wall again.
This is an ongoing process. We tell the story again and again until we notice that there is less anger, less venom, less self incrimination. We go through the layers of pain because the only way to release them is to go through them again. Sorry. But it is the truth. We don’t get out of it. If a leg bone is broken and not set correctly, it has to be rebroken to do its true healing. Again. Sorry.
What is the outcome of this torture? This reviewing and reliving? Freedom. When we look the monster dead on, from all sides, when we can describe every blemish and greenish tint, when we can pop the pustules we’ve been avoiding…..we lose our fear. In losing fear, we gain indignation. In raising our indignation we find our courage. In our courage we can name what is and has been. In the truthtelling we free ourselves of the hate. And ultimately, we move toward forgiveness, compassion, understanding. First for ourselves. Then for the perp or situation.
You may need a therapist for this. But mostly you need a safe place where you are loved, heard, believed, accepted, respected. You need space that is unafraid of all you are afraid of. You need a space where the brilliance of you is seen from the very beginning.
Spiritual Direction is this space. You may have friends who listen, but it takes extraordinary friends who can listen well over and over and over and not get bogged down. The value of paying a therapist or spiritual director is that we come to you with 100% attention every single time. It is our job and we are very good at it. And if you’re with a professional who is not good at it, get a different one.
I am amazed at how swiftly the human spirit can move once they are heard and believed.
This is resilience. And I wish it for you. In fact, I more than wish it, I help you find your own resilience. Am I that good? The process is. Because loving kindness and compassion guide me, every minute I am with you.
I hear you. I believe you. I respect you. I see you.
With love,
Amy